Joy After My Storm

Some years ago I had to walk away from some people in my life.  It was not like walking away from an old friend, it was a very significant loss in my life. I have spent most of the time in their absence wondering why I was chosen to live this life.  Really feeling as if I had been punished for being born into a situation that I could not control.

If I am honest with you and myself , I acknowledge that I allowed my self worth to be tied to that loss. It did not matter what I accomplished in life, there was still a hole. It did not matter how many pounds I lost, miles I ran, awards I won, speeches I gave, friends I had, children that loved me or secure nights I had in the arms of my husband. I felt broken beyond belief  and it left me hopeless.

Now I don't  display hopelessness as it may be displayed in others, mine makes me push and work harder to be perfect. It makes me tired and wears me down beyond belief. To be honest I stopped praying because I thought that God had never decided that I was worthy of his Love.  Now I am being real here so bear with me as I ramble a bit. If I am really honest then I will say that I felt this way for longer than I  am willing to admit. Maybe even before  I separated myself from the situation.

This summer I was forced to slow down and really look at myself, to reevaluate my opinion  of my self. It was like I was broken down to my lowest point them slowly brought back brought to life. It required me to look at myself and see my blessings, my failure and my humanness.  It required me to look at myself with the same love that I look to everyone else with. Something changed in me and for a while, I could  not put my finger on it.  So last week I placed a call to the person, I had been missing. It was not a bad call but it made me realize why the separation occurred. I was not sad though, actually I was okay  because I understand now.

You see even though I did not want to admit it, I was caught up in the "why" of the situation. In fact I was caught in the why of my whole life. I often tell my student that " the why" is none of your business. I began to see that I was  not following my own advice.  Searching for the why, I was being held prisoner to a situation that I have been free from for most of my adult life.  Not only was I  afraid to really speak to God, I thought that he was not listening.

If you look at my life and you know what I have been through, then there is no way I have been forgotten. It is only by the grace of God and work that I have made it this far. I said all of this because today I was in church with my family. Usually when I go to church, I feel like I am in so much pain, looking for healing for my broken heart.  Today when the pastor started preaching I felt like he knew why I was there, it maybe a superficial assumption but lets just go with that idea because it make me feel good.

His message did  not make me cry but it was confirmation that I had done the best thing for my life.  That I did not leave anyone behind but they were removed in order for me to flourish.  I am okay today because I allowed my self to be healed, I have forgiven my self  and I am working on forgiving them. There are so many people walking around this world wounded, hurting and there does not seem to be an answer in sight. The things is the answer is there, we are just not listening. We are too busy asking "why".

If I can give any advice to anyone who is hurting , I say seek love not romance but love from inside your self. If you are religious it may come from God but if not look into your heart, seek a pure love for your self.  One that has no requirements, except for you to be who you are.  Today I felt my spirit  renewed, in the presence of the ones who have loved me unconditionally. Today was a very good day, a very good day.

K

The Next Best Thing

Mindfulness

I have spent the last few months studying and practicing mindfulness and meditation.   Let me be the first to say, that I thought it was a waste of time at first. However, I have found my self trying to find quiet time in my life.  With the husband, kids, students and technology it seems like I am constantly in the mist of noise. Not just the sound per se but the distractions that come with life.  In the  transactional model of communication  as you communicate with others there are always distractions that interrupt the messages you send or receive at every stage.  I found a great graphic that shows how noise runs rampant in the communication process. I think we fail to see the noise the exists in our internal communication process. 

That noise has become very loud in my life and I felt like I needed to find some stillness and to connect with out interruption. So I started in the morning when the house was quiet and I would just breathe and focus on my breath. I spent time focusing on how it feels to breathe in and out.  It was difficult at first, my mind would be racing and I would find myself thinking about everything that I needed to do or what had upset me.  So I decided to do some research and found a few good webpages with free guided meditations. In addition to the the fact the having a free trial to Apple Music gave me access to so much material. 

I now can find moment of pure peace during the day, just by getting lost in my own breathing for a few minutes. It is still difficult at times but I think it is worth a try if you are looking for a few moments of peace in your day. I actually just found the app Happify which has some free guided meditations. Either way look around the Internet there is a lot of free info out there.  

I am no expert so I won't recommend any one place, I say just do some research and find something that works for you. 

 I will say that the peace I have found is jubilant. 

In Search of Sister Friends

I know a lot of people, I am friends with lots of folks on Facebook. The problem is that I don't feel like I have any real friends. Sometimes when the chips are down and I need a secure, strong shoulder there is no one to call except my husband. I can remember when I really had friends, I think I was in middle school. Back then I had a strong group of young ladies to hang out with and we really cared about each other. In high school, I began to feel how different and I was. I struggled aimlessly to fit into several different groups. Most of which I never really belonged.
I carried a secret that I kept hidden and failed to share with many people. When I did share, I faced adolescent critics that thought there was an easy answer to my monumental problem. It made me hide from other people, I never really wanted them to see me for who I really was. I think that feeling has traveled into my adult years, I have failed to really find friends and I tend to keep people at a distance.
I don't want to be that way, so I am trying to open up a bit more each day. The funny things is that people who really don't know me describe me as a social  butterfly. I laugh at that description because talking to people in groups is very superficial and it is a skill that I have. To communicate with others is the gift I was born with. I am passionate to a fault about motivating others in life. It does not mean that I have close friendships or relationships. You have to be open for that to occur and every time I have been open, pain followed.
Like a scared little girl sometimes I am afraid to invite people to my home. Still afraid of the secrets they might see or that they might be tarnished by the same plaque I was. Even though now my home is safe, I have made sure of that. It is a delightful refuge full of laughter and the noise of happy rowdy children. Old habits die-hard I guess....
As a grown woman I yearn for a grown woman friend. One to share my life with , in person not in a Facebook group or on a long distance phone call. Not to discount those ladies because the have been my cheerleaders and greatest support. I just want  welcome  others in to my home and enjoy a glass of wine or tea and complain, laugh, gossip and be real. I have had these relationships start before but cross-country moves have prevented the from flourishing.  With the lack of family in my life, these relationships are very important to keeping you sane. As  women and mothers we give so much of our selves selflessly to our family. You never think about it except in those moments when you are flaming mad and pissed at everyone for taking you for granted.
I realize now that I must open my door and let other women in, to see me. That my home may not be perfect every time and neither will my children but I need people too. I can't just spend my time being inspirational to others and never feeling inspiration myself. In a way it makes me feel fraudulent that I may not even be taking my own advice.  Change is good and I am changing my life.

Idenity Quest

"Who am I ?"  This question has been asked by almost every person I know. It seems that we are all on this quest to figure out who we are or where we need to be.  It is like we are on this journey that requires us to  change all the the time. Never being satisfied with where we are now.  I am guilty of  this, constantly looking for what to do or fix next.

The reality is, or what I  think is important to remember is that we miss the present. When you are constantly looking to change, how do you appreciate the now. At what point are you grateful for who you are today. Obviously we all need to change and grow but it seems to me that we spend far too much money and time worrying about what we will be. We then fail to be present and never appreciate the now.

It is not my intent to make growth seem unnecessary,  growth is gradual and comes with time.  It is the constant need to be the better you or  to imitate what we see in others, physically and economically. Sometimes I feel like it is the fault of capitalism which puts us in the consumer mind set. Making success seem like something that you can purchase. There is always some new product or idea that we need to try and ultimately it is going to make us happier, wealthier, thinner and more attractive. 

What if, we decided to look at ourselves today and say, your are  pretty damn awesome. Yeah, I have goals but there is nothing wrong with who I am. Then we stop putting money into the machine that helps to deplete the self esteem of individuals everywhere.   What if?????

Sadness

Sadness creeps up during the night.  When everyone else is sleeping. The only sounds that exist in my room are quiet murmurs from the television.  Surrounded by the soft snores of my husband. 

That is the moment when I feel it my chest so tightly and I usually fight it first. Try not to let it sink in my heart but then before I could muster up the energy to fight it, a tear slips from my eye.  I know then that I am going to let them fall. 

I let them fall, slide down my face One after another rushing to my chin. I can't make them stop if I tried. My body quivers and my husband rolls over in his sleep an takes me in his arms. 

Peace exists at that moment when he loves me the way I need to be loved. In silence while my emotions flow freely and my tears stain his shirt. 

It ends about an hour after is started but the emotion does not leave. It changes to love. 

 

What is Love?