Motivational Minute (cc) October 15, 2018

Motivational Minute workbook page for Week 10/15

Motivational Minute (cc) Homework 

How do you respond when people say you are the reason 

for their feelings?

__________________________________________

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What can you do to make that interaction positive?

__________________________________________

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Remember we are all responsible for our own emotions. 

Motivational Minute for Friday October 12, 2018

Motivational Minute

The Beginning of the End

On May 04, 2008 I graduated with a masters degree in Communication and Rhetorical Studies.  I was optimistic , here I was  a black woman in Americans and I had achieved the dream. At least I though I did. My peers were either leaving for PHD programs, looking for jobs or heading to teach as instructors. I decided to head into higher education, with the hope of getting my PHD eventually.

There was no way for me to go directly into a PHD program, I was married with a almost 3 year old.
Daycare costs were astronomical and there was no way I could get into anymore student loan debt. Even with graduate assistantships the expenses required loans. So I took a job with a one year contract at a southern university that one of my peers was working at. During my two years as a graduate teaching assistant I fell for in love with teaching. Standing in front of the classroom became my passion. It was amazing to see how students transforming from the beginning of the semester to the end. I eventually earned the title Dr. and solidified my place in academia.

Over the past eleven years I have spent countless hours with students, planning, teaching and encouraging. I love teaching and standing in front of the classroom is my safe place, believe it or not. The unfortunate thing is that tenure track positions these days are few and far between. Some of them    are in locations that are not culturally diverse. Some even if they are in a metropolitan area are full of political issues that make teaching difficult. A few years ago as I looked at my children and goals I knew that my time in front of the classroom was coming to the end.

I had begun to lack the desire to play the game, to pretend. I wanted to just be me and I did, in the classroom, in meetings and amongst my peers. What I learned during that time was that my authentic self was threatening to some people in the academy. I saw it develop in so many ways both  blatantly and in secret.

I asked myself did I want to fight this battle, as I evaluated myself the answer was NO. So slowly I extracted my self from the position I was in. It was very strategic and I planned my exit so that I could still provide for my family. You will still see me in the classroom but it is no longer my full time job. I have returned to corporate America. I am of no delusion about what I will face in that world but I know that I will be judged on the quality of my work and I have job security.

I am working on some projects that I hope to share with you in the future. Now, I am not saying I will never return to teaching. I am just saying I won’t return unless I am able to be my authentic self. I will not enter a position where I am an “only”. Only woman, only Black person, only person who understands the “isms”.

I am currently teaching one class at a local community college and I love it. My corporate job, although busy is for a wonderful company who appreciates my value. Right now that is enough for me, when it is not. I will  do what I have to do to make a change.

K

A Special Moment in Time

Today was love,  It was simple, at home with my 3 guys. It was happiness and for the first time in a long time I missed nothing. As a  survivor of childhood sexual abuse I had to walk away from my family because they were a shield for my abuser so Holidays can be a difficult time for me. 

When your family is no longer a safe place. You mourn the loss of that  connection even if it was unhealthy. You miss the mother who did not protect you. I know it sounds insane and I even felt crazy as I was going through it. This was my truth my childhood  was filled with so much trauma that dysfunction seemed normal.  In reality I just wanted to be what is considered normal to everyone else. I would see everyone else having what I did not have and feel broken. It makes you feel lonely and it is a feeling that is hard to explain. I could be in a room full of people and still feel lost. I remember being in class one day on the verge of tears one Mother’s Day as I watched people celebrate their mother’s and I felt robbed and hollow. 

I was a adult and I felt ashamed to even have such strong feelings about the entire situation.  I did not think I had the right to feel that way. The reality that I have slowly come to accept is that I’m entitled to my trauma, to my sadness and the effects of my abuse are not things that I have to be ashamed of. They are just parts of my history that make me who I am today. 

Today however, I felt no loneliness, I was not sad or empty. I was at peace and that does not mean I have been miraculously healed. It just means I was finally able to enjoy the moment of being a mother. I was able to feel the love of my husband and children. Those things were enough and I have never been more proud of a day in my life. Yes I am a survivor but I have people who love me. Not only do they love me but I can feel it and I know I deserve it. Growth happened today. Today was my perfect shade of blue and the only other people that can see that color just happen to be my husband and our sons. 

If your not there yet I am a testament you will get there. Hopefully sooner than I did but I have also realized there is no clock available to determine when healing will occur.  My is still ongoing but today was beautiful, my beautiful blue day. 

Motherhood

12 years ago I became a mother for the first time and the joy he he brought me I could not measure. Then 7 years ago I got to experience it for the second time.  Being a mom has taught me a few lessons I am sure I would never had learned otherwise. Infertility made me humble and allowed me to understand that motherhood does not always mean your child is with you on earth. 

The journey to being called mom was not easy but it was worth it. I see two little boys walk the earth with eyes like mine (everything else like their father) Everyday, sometimes I feel like I am going to cry because they are growing so fast. My oldest is so intelligent and he thinks about every angle of a situation. He is a thinker and I am convinced he will invent something this world needs one day. He is also a fierce protector of his bother and I. I have seen the fire in his eyes when he think someone has done something to his brother. He is also emotional and caring. 

My youngest is the kindest , most logical person you can meet. He has been a blessing and he has taught me patience I have never fought harder for a person harder than I have for him. His Aspergers Diagnosis made a mama bear out of me. He has no idea that he is supposed to be different. As a family he is just LG to us. I know for sure he will be running his own company one day, this little boy will be a boss. His intelligence shocks me sometimes. 

Motherhood is patience, balance, exhausting, rewarding,expensive, time consuming, painful, joyful, and worth it for me.  Most of all it is Love 

Happy Mother’s Day to all mothers. It does not mater if you hold your children in your arms or heart. You are a mother!

The Next Best Thing

Motivational Speaking Tour begins this Fall!

What are We Doing to Our Community?

I am going to speak on Bill Cosby, but I am also going to put this in perspective so those in defense of black men who abuse black women are answered as well. Yes the justice system and the prison industrial complex is set up so people of color may be disproportionately convicted.

It is important that we not use that excuse in these cases. These are rich & powerful men. Who have privilege, money and opportunity. They have been insulated from the everyday struggle in black America. In addition when we bring these issues in to the debate about sexual assault it helps to perpetuate the silence surrounding this issue in the black community . The silence that is predicated by this idea that we still must protect black men from being lynched. So black women must come to the rescue of black men regardless of the abuse they suffered.

Black women have not just been devalued because of a racially unjust system. She has also been devalued because since slavery she has been tasked with the job of protecting black men. Resulting in black women being silenced and abused. In addition to being called the instigator of her own abuse.

The defense of Bill Cosby, R. Kelly and Nas etc, is part of a generational psychological conditioning that we as descents of slavery have failed to unlock the shackles that chain us to this ideology. We need to look deeper and stop blaming the Bill Cosby and R.Kelly issues on an unjust justice system. It needs to be seen for what it is: predators going to jail and survivors getting justice. Why should it matter if these other men who happen to be white are not punished. Their cases are separate and all uniquely different. Wrong is wrong and black men must be held accountable for their crimes against women .

Especially black men of power who use it to sexually exploit women. Let us not forget a few prominent black women were victims of Bill Cosby and most of them were not part of the 24 hr news cycle. They were the background noise to the suffering of white women.  When Malcolm X said: The most disrespected woman in America, is the black woman. The most un-protected person in America is the black woman. The most neglected person in America, is the black woman. He called on black men to protect her! Yet decades later she is still victimized and vilified when ever she decides to speak out against the abuse she suffers at the hands of black men.  Kelis who has been silent for almost 9 years is now a under attack.

This is because a man who people consider to be good has be accused of abusing her. Doing to her what a similar woman, Carmen Byran wrote in her book. So now two black women want to just slander this black man?  That logic is flawed and is indeed fallacious. Keeping in mind neither women wants him to go to jail. They just decided to break their silence on the issue.
The idea of these men being good and doing good for the community is supposed to be proof they did not abuse these women. That thought process is wrong because what I can attest to and many other survivors can attest to is these "good" men wear their good deeds as beards.
The prey upon women and children and their defense is: "look at what I do in the community. My philanthropy and all the good I have participated in. I am a nice person". Yet they behind closed doors they are raping, sexually assaulting and abusing both children and women.
We need to realize you only know what you see. Which is from a distance to his celebrity and you have no idea what he has done or who he really is. Yet many people have an unwavering defense of men in this position and the women are called gold diggers, liars and there is now a conspiracy to steal a legacy. This does not just happen with celebrities, you see this in our communities when men are accused of abuse.
When will there be just as much of this vehement defense and protection of black women or will you allow us to remain abused, over sexualized and victimized as long as you can keep your hero. Not to mention there some women bashing these other women for the same reason men are bashing them. In addition in our communities there are women who know these men are guilty but cover for them no matter what the cost. This cycle of silence and abuse will remain until we can hold predators accountable for their crimes. Even if they happen to be black,male, nice and successful. Until then we will continue keep producing black girls who are prey and are taught to be silent in the face of abuse.