Monday, September 28, 2015

In Search of Sister Friends

I know a lot of people, I am friends with lots of folks on Facebook. The problem is that I don't feel like I have any real friends. Sometimes when the chips are down and I need a secure, strong shoulder there is no one to call except my husband. I can remember when I really had friends, I think I was in middle school. Back then I had a strong group of young ladies to hang out with and we really cared about each other. In high school, I began to feel how different and I was. I struggled aimlessly to fit into several different groups. Most of which I never really belonged.
I carried a secret that I kept hidden and failed to share with many people. When I did share, I faced adolescent critics that thought there was an easy answer to my monumental problem. It made me hide from other people, I never really wanted them to see me for who I really was. I think that feeling has traveled into my adult years, I have failed to really find friends and I tend to keep people at a distance.
I don't want to be that way, so I am trying to open up a bit more each day. The funny things is that people who really don't know me describe me as a social  butterfly. I laugh at that description because talking to people in groups is very superficial and it is a skill that I have. To communicate with others is the gift I was born with. I am passionate to a fault about motivating others in life. It does not mean that I have close friendships or relationships. You have to be open for that to occur and every time I have been open, pain followed.
Like a scared little girl sometimes I am afraid to invite people to my home. Still afraid of the secrets they might see or that they might be tarnished by the same plaque I was. Even though now my home is safe, I have made sure of that. It is a delightful refuge full of laughter and the noise of happy rowdy children. Old habits die-hard I guess....
As a grown woman I yearn for a grown woman friend. One to share my life with , in person not in a Facebook group or on a long distance phone call. Not to discount those ladies because the have been my cheerleaders and greatest support. I just want  welcome  others in to my home and enjoy a glass of wine or tea and complain, laugh, gossip and be real. I have had these relationships start before but cross-country moves have prevented the from flourishing.  With the lack of family in my life, these relationships are very important to keeping you sane. As  women and mothers we give so much of our selves selflessly to our family. You never think about it except in those moments when you are flaming mad and pissed at everyone for taking you for granted.
I realize now that I must open my door and let other women in, to see me. That my home may not be perfect every time and neither will my children but I need people too. I can't just spend my time being inspirational to others and never feeling inspiration myself. In a way it makes me feel fraudulent that I may not even be taking my own advice.  Change is good and I am changing my life.

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