Sunday, October 4, 2015

Joy After My Storm

Some years ago I had to walk away from some people in my life.  It was not like walking away from an old friend, it was a very significant loss in my life. I have spent most of the time in their absence wondering why I was chosen to live this life.  Really feeling as if I had been punished for being born into a situation that I could not control.

If I am honest with you and myself , I acknowledge that I allowed my self worth to be tied to that loss. It did not matter what I accomplished in life, there was still a hole. It did not matter how many pounds I lost, miles I ran, awards I won, speeches I gave, friends I had, children that loved me or secure nights I had in the arms of my husband. I felt broken beyond belief  and it left me hopeless.

Now I don't  display hopelessness as it may be displayed in others, mine makes me push and work harder to be perfect. It makes me tired and wears me down beyond belief. To be honest I stopped praying because I thought that God had never decided that I was worthy of his Love.  Now I am being real here so bear with me as I ramble a bit. If I am really honest then I will say that I felt this way for longer than I  am willing to admit. Maybe even before  I separated myself from the situation.

This summer I was forced to slow down and really look at myself, to reevaluate my opinion  of my self. It was like I was broken down to my lowest point them slowly brought back brought to life. It required me to look at myself and see my blessings, my failure and my humanness.  It required me to look at myself with the same love that I look to everyone else with. Something changed in me and for a while, I could  not put my finger on it.  So last week I placed a call to the person, I had been missing. It was not a bad call but it made me realize why the separation occurred. I was not sad though, actually I was okay  because I understand now.

You see even though I did not want to admit it, I was caught up in the "why" of the situation. In fact I was caught in the why of my whole life. I often tell my student that " the why" is none of your business. I began to see that I was  not following my own advice.  Searching for the why, I was being held prisoner to a situation that I have been free from for most of my adult life.  Not only was I  afraid to really speak to God, I thought that he was not listening.

If you look at my life and you know what I have been through, then there is no way I have been forgotten. It is only by the grace of God and work that I have made it this far. I said all of this because today I was in church with my family. Usually when I go to church, I feel like I am in so much pain, looking for healing for my broken heart.  Today when the pastor started preaching I felt like he knew why I was there, it maybe a superficial assumption but lets just go with that idea because it make me feel good.

His message did  not make me cry but it was confirmation that I had done the best thing for my life.  That I did not leave anyone behind but they were removed in order for me to flourish.  I am okay today because I allowed my self to be healed, I have forgiven my self  and I am working on forgiving them. There are so many people walking around this world wounded, hurting and there does not seem to be an answer in sight. The things is the answer is there, we are just not listening. We are too busy asking "why".

If I can give any advice to anyone who is hurting , I say seek love not romance but love from inside your self. If you are religious it may come from God but if not look into your heart, seek a pure love for your self.  One that has no requirements, except for you to be who you are.  Today I felt my spirit  renewed, in the presence of the ones who have loved me unconditionally. Today was a very good day, a very good day.


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