Pushing Forward and Going Against the Feeling

I have been in the position where I have to push forward. To keep moving despite the trials and tribulations that I am going through. 

It bought me to this idea that I thought I would share with you all tonight. 

Doing the opposite of what you feel. So if you are sad find something to laugh at or that will make you happy for a while. Sometimes you have to go against the grain to survive. I have found that even though my problems are still going on daily. I am happier each day when I go against the feeling to hide and be alone. 

Give it a try. It may take some practice but we all know that the more you do it the easier it gets. 

When You are Not in Control!

I have so many things that I must be doing right not but I can't.  My 5 year autistic son cant seem to fall asleep and my mind is racing.  I am fixer and I spend my time fixing things and looking for solutions to problems. So you can imagine that I have been researching and trying to fix this for him.

Today, I realized that I was not in control, I cant cure or fix this. I can help him and provide the service he needs but I am not in control.  That is difficult thing for me to do as a mother and a type A personality. I see how this is affecting my family, marriage and our daily life. It is the most difficult thing  to see your child in chaos.  I want so much for him to be who he is destined to be. I think that he is a brilliant child who just cant see the world the way we want him to.

So today I realized I am not in control, I got down on my knees and prayed for him. I prayed for us

Blessings K

I want to run!!!

I want to run so badly but I can't. My body has decided without my permission that running is no longer in the cards for me. I have tried everything that is medically necessary that was not super invasive. This makes me so sad because as much as I use to complain about it, it was my source of freedom. 

Not being able to run has been very difficult for me, it has been a foundation of my fitness routine for six years. I have to change and I know that, I am working on it. For now I want to say goodbye to running for a while. I hope to see you again this summer but I will prepare myself to let you go forever. 

This may seem silly to do but for me this has been an intricate part of my life. To think that my body would make a decision necessary, is difficult for me.  I have not ran in five long months and I know what running did for me. I am prepared to move on but I am not sure yet what my body will let me do. 

Protecting Love

I was going through my hanging jewelry bag and found this box.

15 years ago my husband got down on one knee Christmas night and pulled out this out . It was 11:30pm and I did not think he would propose that night.  Since that night I have not thought much about this box. I have just kept it safe with my jewelry.

Today I the sight of this box showed me an example of a promise fulfilled everyday. Life will never be perfect but like this box I have a classic love. You see love is not perfect, it will wear, get old and change. What matters is where you keep it, are you protecting that love so that it will stand the test of time? Do you provide maintenance to your love periodically , you know like you shine and clean your jewelry. 

This box does not cost a lot of money, it served a sentimental purpose though. Just like our love it has no monetary value, just the value we assign to it. So it remains valuable only if we assign value to it. We have chosen to keep it in a place where only we can find it. A love that is just right for us because our love does not compare to any other love.

For some other woman this box may seem like a trinket that will be out shined by the ring inside. To me the box remains even as the ring has been upgraded and resized. It is the box that matters, it is a vessel. 

This box will be with us for a lifetime just like our love. 

#DearBlackGirl

#DearBlackGirl,

You must first know that you are loved, purely for who you are a beautiful soul. I know it is difficult sometimes to be you. The expectations are so confusing. You hear so many message about who you are, some apply to you but in fact most have no clue.

Let me tell you something, if by chance you happened to be what they say you are, guess what? It is okay because who you are, what you are is all beautiful. You don't have to change yourself to be accepted, the rest of the black women we see you and think that you are doing just fine.

Allow yourself to be loved, not by another person but purely by you. Love yourself so loud and hard that people notice, then smile and don't be ashamed of it.  You deserved to be loved for everything that you are and you my dear are not a secret love. 

You may have some wounds, but just like a nomad they are signs that you have been traveling  through this journey we called life. Speak loud and proud about your pain so that other black girls can see they are not alone. We can heal each other by sharing with the world our battle scars. You are descendants of royalty meant to give birth to our future leaders. No, the journey you are traveling will not be easy but you can make it easier for the girls behind you. Extend your hand to another black girl and show her that love is around her.
 

If you must keep with you any token of knowledge that you travel with throughout this life we live. I want you to remember that your value can not be determined, you are invaluable. Don't allow others to monetize you.  They can't and should not profit off your beauty, grace, intelligence and strength. In fact there is so much value in you that I don't have the words to name them all.  #DearBlackGirl, you are great, I love you!

Love,

Someone who was once a little black girl too!




  

Infant and Pregnancy Loss Day

Today is  bitter sweet day for so many women(men) who have angels they wish were on earth.  I look at my children and realize the blessing they are because of the five babies that we lost before we could see their faces. Each loss chips way at you and breaks your heart more and more.

There is a population of women who covet motherhood because they are trying but not able to carry a baby to term. It is a difficult journey, not to mention the women who are trying but not conceiving. As a society we often make announcements or ask personal questions  without regard for others.  The question : When are you having a baby? or Are you trying for number two?, may seem like simple questions. It however is heartbreak for so many who are trying and spending all of their money to try and have a baby.

Mothers day rolls around an these women are ignored because the assumption is that you must have a child on earth in order to be a mother. Well that is not the case, if you have carried a child in your womb then you are indeed a mother. If you were blessed to adopt a child, you are indeed a mother.  There are many women that mother children who they are not related to but  see on a daily basis.  The idea of motherhood should be extended to include women who may never have given birth but play the role in life.

So today, I will release balloons for my babies that I know are watching over me and light candles in honor of them and all my friends who have lost their babies today. I am lucky, I have a group of women that understand my story. They have supported me and walked every step of this journey with me. To them today, I want to say I love you!!!! Thank You!! you have shared my joy and pain and allowed me to share indoor as well.

To all the ladies out there still trying or feeling the pain of today, I am with you. I know no words can express what you are feeling, blessings today.
  

I Found This In The Silence.

I have sat down this week and written several different blogs posts, none to me that seemed worthy of hitting publish.  To be honest I write often and half of what I write never makes it to  this page. My heart however leads me to share certain things that I feel others may need to hear.  In fact, it may be just thoughts that I have that I want to be read out loud.

You see, I think that I spend a lot of time in thought, many people who think that they know me think that I spend a lot of time talking. That is not the case in fact silence is where I thrive, it gives me a peace and satisfaction that conversation never will. So this week in my silence I began to feel like I was missing something.  To be honest I could not put my finger on what it was that I was missing. Then the thought came to me, why is it that the things we feel we are missing take up so much space and time in our lives.

When I think of all the things that I am missing the list is so long. I mean when you fill your time thinking about what you are missing, you tend to miss what is there.  As a little girl I remember missing my father, wishing that  I could say daddy out loud and someone would answer who saw me as their little girl. The reality is that  the "missing " my father was and is a intricate part of my life. I could sit here all day and write what I am am missing and provide reasons why they made my life horrible.

The reality is that in between the missing I learned something. It is the missing that made me who I am today and without it, who knows what I would be. In class last week, one of my students asked me where did I learn to love. It was a question that stayed on my heart all week long because the answer that I gave made the missing unnecessary. I said I have never not know how to love, that it was something I was born with. I really tried to think back and remember a time where I did not want to share love with the world. I can not remember, if that time ever did exist. Now I am not saying this because I want you all to think of how great I am. That is really not the point but what is important is that I was given a gift.  In between all of the missing, I still had love to give.  The only problem that I had was that I was too busy missing to give that love to myself.

We all have someone, something or some place that we are missing. In the absence of the missing there is a gift, that you hold. Something unique to you that was there the day you were born. It is something that you give freely to others but forget to give to yourself in the mist of missing. So I want you to ask yourself next time you begin the process of marinating on what you don't have.  What is your gift?  I promise you that gift is much better than what you are missing. Try to share that gift with yourself.

K