A Special Moment in Time

Today was love,  It was simple, at home with my 3 guys. It was happiness and for the first time in a long time I missed nothing. As a  survivor of childhood sexual abuse I had to walk away from my family because they were a shield for my abuser so Holidays can be a difficult time for me. 

When your family is no longer a safe place. You mourn the loss of that  connection even if it was unhealthy. You miss the mother who did not protect you. I know it sounds insane and I even felt crazy as I was going through it. This was my truth my childhood  was filled with so much trauma that dysfunction seemed normal.  In reality I just wanted to be what is considered normal to everyone else. I would see everyone else having what I did not have and feel broken. It makes you feel lonely and it is a feeling that is hard to explain. I could be in a room full of people and still feel lost. I remember being in class one day on the verge of tears one Mother’s Day as I watched people celebrate their mother’s and I felt robbed and hollow. 

I was a adult and I felt ashamed to even have such strong feelings about the entire situation.  I did not think I had the right to feel that way. The reality that I have slowly come to accept is that I’m entitled to my trauma, to my sadness and the effects of my abuse are not things that I have to be ashamed of. They are just parts of my history that make me who I am today. 

Today however, I felt no loneliness, I was not sad or empty. I was at peace and that does not mean I have been miraculously healed. It just means I was finally able to enjoy the moment of being a mother. I was able to feel the love of my husband and children. Those things were enough and I have never been more proud of a day in my life. Yes I am a survivor but I have people who love me. Not only do they love me but I can feel it and I know I deserve it. Growth happened today. Today was my perfect shade of blue and the only other people that can see that color just happen to be my husband and our sons. 

If your not there yet I am a testament you will get there. Hopefully sooner than I did but I have also realized there is no clock available to determine when healing will occur.  My is still ongoing but today was beautiful, my beautiful blue day.